The One That I Can Believe
by JannP
Summary: They've had comfortable silences and they've had uncomfortable silences and this one seems to land somewhere right in between. Future Finchel around end of their senior year.  Rated T for growing pains only.


_**A/N: **Inspired in a few ways (especially the title) by the song **Hey Mama **by **Mat Kearney. **I couldn't help thinking of Finchel when I heard it, so. If you haven't heard it (it's pretty new) go check it out. It's awesome. Plus, although I love Rachel, being in her head kind of scares the crap out of me so I had to try it-growth or something. Please let me know what you think! _

_**Disclaimer:** I don't own Glee or the song this was inspired by._

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><p><strong>The One That I Can Believe <strong>

She doesn't want him to let her go. She's waiting for some sort of juvenile meltdown or temper tantrum or really, just…just anything to show he doesn't want her to leave and that he _cares_ she's going.

She isn't going to get it though; it's the first time she wants something from him and it's not happening and she can't even admit it disappoints her a little bit. They're sitting on a bench at the mall, waiting for Kurt because he's insisted he get to help pick out the outfit she'll wear for her audition and interview for Juilliard. Sure, they've waited for the last minute (she leaves tomorrow morning with her dad), but it doesn't matter. Even at this late date, she wants Finn to pitch a fit and tell her to stay.

She's strategically sat them close to some chairs at the food court in case he wants to kick a few. Regardless of her careful preparation, it isn't happening.

And the not getting what she wants from him, but possibly getting what she wants for the rest of her life, well… it's all kind of starting to get to her. And she knows she should maybe just talk to him about it—an honest adult conversation of some sort—rather than trying to pick a fight through her reticence. She _knows_ but that doesn't mean she's not doing the second one anyway.

They've been sitting on this bench for nearly twenty minutes and she has yet to say a single word.

They've had comfortable silences and they've had uncomfortable silences and this one seems to land somewhere right in between. At some point, he reached over to catch her hand in his and he's playing with her fingers but he's still not saying anything and he's just kind of clutching her hand and people-watching. It feels wrong to be mad at him for it, but she can't help how she feels.

"What's your problem?" She hisses. He looks over at her in surprise.

"Wh-what?" He asks.

"You're not _saying _anything."

He looks around like he's waiting for someone to say they're just kidding. And he looks at her like she might be a little bit crazy. It's not a look she's entirely unfamiliar with. "Yeah. I don't really have a problem or anything. So…y'know…I mean, I don't really have anything I need to talk about. And did you _see_ the guy in the Batman costume or was that just my eyes?"

She _did_ see that guy and didn't comment even though it's May and not really Batman-costume-season. Instead, she sighs and avoids feeding his poor attempt to mask his confusion with a subject change.

"You're not saying anything and I'm leaving tomorrow."

She sees his eyes spark a little. He's on the same page as her now.

"Well, what d'you want me to do? I mean… are you expecting us to fight about you going?"

"You always told me you would fight for me and now…" She shrugs, resisting the urge to tug her hand from his with the motion.

He sits up a little bit, letting go of her hand to drape his arm around the back of the bench. He rests his ankle on his knee and looks over at her. "This isn't something I can fight."

"You can. But you _aren't_."

He shakes his head and rolls his eyes. "Look, I know it seems like my plans are up in the air a little bit 'cause I'm still waiting to hear back on that financial aid crap. But c'mon, just have faith it's coming through and everything will be fine."

"But I _don_'_t…_ because it's impossible to have it all in spite of your insistence to the contrary."

He frowns and takes a long time before he speaks. "Why do you think that?"

"That everything won't be fine?" She says and she gives a short, harsh laugh. "_History_."

He shakes his head. "No. I mean, why do you think you can't have it all?" She just looks at him and he continues. "Like, even last year you were all 'I love you but this is my dream' like you thought you have to pick one or the other. I mean, even though we worked it all out, it seems like you thought that was gonna change or go away or something…like it was temporary. I don't get it."

"Because that's how life works," she says eventually, her voice quiet. There's really no where for her to physically _go_ because the bench isn't that big, but she's pulling away anyway. She can feel herself doing it. She always somehow manages to close off when they've talked about this—and they've discussed it in sometimes agonizing detail.

Most recently, they discussed it when he was accepted to CUNY and saw how much it would cost and he almost died but actually choked a little bit. And that was _nothing_ compared to when he saw the cost estimate for her to attend Juilliard or NYU. Her dreams are expensive and that's just the most recent roadblock. She doesn't understand how he's continuing to take it in stride. At some point, she's sure, it will be too much for him. Too much time, too much money, too much distance – too much of _her_.

"No, that _isn't_ how life works," he protests. "Look at my mom. She just had to have time and patience. Some really bad things happened to her, but after the time and the patience and whatever…she's happy."

"She's happy paying to ship you off to New York?"

He rolls his eyes and looks away because no, his mother isn't extremely happy about all that. They both know it. Carole's concerns have been well-outlined, especially since he got his acceptance letters. The bottom line for Carole is she wants to make sure Finn isn't just following someone—and honestly, Rachel kind of wants the same reassurance. She's not sure it's good to make a _person_ your dream, regardless of how much she adores Finn's devotion to her. She knows all about the disappointment that comes when the relationship-as-a-dream ideal fails. People consistently fail; and it's been a long time since _he's_ failed her specifically, but…but that doesn't mean he won't go away at some point. She never would've thought her own mother would choose not to be involved in her life; it made her so cautious about exactly this kind of thing. She had a person for her dream _twice_ now and…well, one is still in progress but the other went up in flames and she got burned.

"Why are you so hung up on this when it's all…like you have the audition day after tomorrow…shouldn't you be more worried about _that_?" He asks. He flips his hand up and squeezes her arm and she frowns.

"If I rehearse that song any more, I'm going to change my selection. I'm honestly at my limit with rehearsing and I feel completely prepared. I've rehearsed tirelessly to make it perfect and I feel confident that part will go fine."

"So what's the problem with the rest? And don't say nothing 'cause I know you."

She sighs and looks at him. "I almost don't want to go," she finally says, her voice very soft. "I'm worried about how this will change things and I-I…I'm not sure I believe it can just magically work out the way you seem to think it will. Aren't you sad I'm leaving?"

He lets in a deep breath and he leans forward a little, his posture less relaxed now than it was and he pushes his forehead so it's almost right next to hers. "Well, sure. Maybe a little bit… but not really, like, overall. It'll be weird to go to Glee and not have you there. But a couple days after you get back, we have Nationals and…and then we get to go back to New York _together_ at the end of this summer. So it's not like you're _leaving_ _me._ I mean—I'm going, Rachel. I'm going with you. It's basically a done deal."

"What if you aren't happy there? What if I'm just a big disappointment because all I'm going to do for the conceivable future is work? Because that's how it's going to be, you know. And I don't want…I don't want to be disappointed and I don't want you to be disappointed, either. I've seen that happen to people and I don't want to become _those_ people."

He nods and turns so their heads aren't pressed together any more, but his wrists are resting on his knees and he looks over at her. "I've been waiting for you to do this."

She raises her eyes to his but now she's the one who's confused. "Waiting for me to do what?"

"Well, I had to deal with a lot of crap when it came to dads and family and whatever this year and…and you were so awesome. You helped me a lot just 'cause you there. I kept waiting to return the favor because I _know_ you never figured out all the stuff about your mom and what she did to you, but you never said anything about it. Even though you don't talk to her, it just…it affects things. It's part of you. So I've been waiting."

She closes her eyes. He just…he _went there_. He tapped into all of it. He opened the door. She can't really stop the words from pouring out of her mouth. "She ran off the New York right after high school, just like I'm doing, and she had the same stars in her eyes and the same big dreams and she eventually came back to coach Vocal Adrenaline and…and she wanted to have a personal life but she obviously couldn't handle both a professional life and a personal life all at once and I'm just like her, Finn. I'm just like my m-mo—mother," she admits. She stammers on the words there, but she gets it out eventually and then she keeps going. "I'm just like my mother and she couldn't have it all, and so I'm not sure I'll be able to really balance everything and _have_ everything I want at the same time. Some parts might have to wait. I've accepted that, I just don't think you have."

He wraps her hand up with his and flips them over so he can kiss the back of her hand. "I'm not waiting," he says. "We have a lot to do, but it's only better if we're together. And look how far we've come already, Rach. We've come _so_ far." He's quiet for a minute. "Besides, I guess I have a reason to feel kind of sorry for Miss Corcoran anyway."

"What's that?" She breathes, her eyes dancing over his face and taking him all in. He just has this way that cuts right through everything and gets right to the point. He might stammer a bit to get there, but he gets to the point far sooner than she does sometimes.

He clears his throat. "She isn't happy without you—and you know it. Even if you don't talk to her, you know she will always feel like she missed out. Especially when you reach the goals she gave up on."

"You're not really that much like her because you stick with people you love, Rach. Schue made a lot of mistakes and you didn't quit Glee forever. You forgave Jesse—even if I still don't actually get that—and you guys are still friends. And you forgave me for a lot worse, so…I know you're not like her all that much. But I also learned what it's like without you and…even if you think it's a super bad idea for me to follow you, I need you with me so I can figure out what I want to do with _me._ That's just the way it is." He sighs and he's playing with the hem of her skirt where it's resting on her thigh.

"How can you just believe everything is going to be okay? I guess…I guess in some ways I've lost that."

He shrugs and looks at her with a half smile. "You're the one thing I can believe. I don't want anyone else there with me when I figure out this crap. You have it all figured out so _someone_ has to show me the way. You're kinda like my tour guide, only for life. So I will miss you while you're gone, but…but there's no way you're going to be gone forever. And all I _really_ need right now is a kiss before you leave. Then next time you leave, I'm going with, so...so I'm okay with you leaving _now_ as long as you understand this leaving isn't forever, but the _next_ one is the one that counts."

She can't help it. She beams and she leans into him. "I wish you were coming," she says in a whisper. "I…I wish you could watch me audition. I'm kind of nervous when you're not there."

His smile is huge. "Yeah, well…I'm not really planning on _coming back_ from New York once we go, so… when we get back to your house, you can wear whatever Kurt tells you to and you can sing for me and him and we'll pretend for a while."

"I thought we were _done_ pretending," she says, leaning toward him with a smile. They had been tossing around ideas for an original song for Nationals, and had joked a little it should be like the opposite of last year; because this year was _their_ year. (One of Kurt's lame suggestions was a song called "Done Pretending" and it had rapidly become an inside joke.) They had the relationship stuff figured out and now all they had to do was conquer Nashville and then…then conquer the _world._

He chuckles a little and pulls his arm behind her so he's holding her hand over her shoulder, tucking her right against him, where she feels like she belongs. It's in a small context right now, but now he's got her thinking further ahead than tomorrow, next week, or even next year. It's more secure for him than for her, and she's starting to come around. She's starting to believe she can have her dreams and have _him_ be part of it. He can figure out who he wants to be and have _her_ be a part of it.

She has every intention she'll get her way, and he's giving her the confidence to believe it might actually be possible. She kisses his cheek and breathes him in and then Kurt is there, but Finn moves with her as they go into the first store (of undoubtedly many). And even though she means it in an actual, physical way right this second, she also means it in an everlasting way.

She doesn't want him to let her go.


End file.
